Review: The FastLane (FOX)
starring: a fly white guy and token black and a former teen queen
Category: Miami Vice knock off


Starring

PETER FACINELLI as "Van Ray"
BILL BELLAMY as "Deaqon Hayes"
TIFFANI THIESSEN as "Billie Chambers"


With the stellar lineup of stars that reads like a Starbuck's staff sheet, I was roped into watching this show after seeing that Tiffani-Amber Theissen (pardon she dropped the "Amber" I guess to make her seem more "respectable" as an actor) would be playing the role of Lt. Billie Chambers. How could I resist such a laughable premise? She plays a "tough as nails" lieutenant who doesn't mince words. The boys are a hodge-podge of every black and white cop team that has been on the screen. I thought this show sucked....but it sucked in the way you look at someone with a
cleft palate, with fascination. I was left wondering how this show was picked up for another season, after careful thought I decided it was probably because of the episode where Lt. Billie goes undercover as a lipstick lesbian and makes out with Jaime Presely. Guys love chicks who make-out.


bottom line: on a scale of 1 to 5 tiaras I give it a 1 1/2

Review: The Real World (MTV)
starring: Seven self absorbed youngsters
Category: reality show

I am so hooked on these reality shows. The granddaddy of them all is "The Real World", the premise of the show is throwing
seven people in a gorgeous home and keep the camera rolling 24-7. I haven't kept up with the show regularly until they had a
"Real World Marathon" this weekend. Here is a character synopsis:




bottom line: on a scale of 1 to 5 tiaras I give it a 4 1/2

Review: American Idol (FOX)
starring: Simon Dafag, Paula Abdul, Token Black guy
Category: Television Talent show


I usually have a firm policy of not watching the programs I review but I am a sucker for reality shows. I have to admit that I love this
show. Simon Dafag is the head bitch whose duty it is to humilate the contestants, Paula Abdul, who in her own right was a mediocre
star during the early 90's, is the more gentler judge and Token Black guy is placed on the panel to give the show a view from 'da hood.

Tonight's episode featured the three finalists whose names escape me but remind me of :

1. Alicia Keys lookalike
2. Liv Tyler lookalike
3. Jack Osbourne lookalike

so much for originality....I am pulling for the boy since he has the most personality and reminds me of my friend from the 90's Shawn.

bottom line: on a scale of 1 to 5 tiaras I give it a 3 1/2

Review: The Sum of All Fears (2002)
starring: Ben Affleck
Category: movie made to inflict paranoia


I find Ben Affleck to be the most overrated actor since Keanu Reeves. He has a very annoying voice, almost a lisp. Affleck is playing CIA agent Jack Ryan (previously played by Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford)

Here is the studio spun mini-synopsis:

"European neo-Nazi terrorists acquire a nuclear device and plan to use it at the Super Bowl,
blaming the attack on Russia in the hopes of rekindling the Cold War. Luckily, CIA analyst
Jack Ryan is on the case."

on to the review....

The sole purpose of this movie is to make Americans even more paranoid than we already are.
As it is I avoid 7-11's for fear of being taken out by Ali Habbab-Jihan and the 12 brothers
he has working with him. What are they hiding in those turbans? You could fit a Big Gulp in
those damn things....and what's with the rank B.O.? They could aleast try and blend in,
drenching yourself in Brut cologne does not equal a shower!

Bottom Line: Although I have yet to see this movie and have no intentions of seeing it, I am basing my
review on my dislike for Ben Affleck. I recommend seeing Matt Damons movie The Bourne Identity.

Review: Eminem
Title: The Eminem Show
Category: Music - Rap



Eminem is the hero of the angry white rap fan (also know as "Yo' whiggers" ). I don't get it, why is this guy still getting airplay? I admit I enjoyed "My name is..." but I was sure that he was a one hit wonder and would fade into the "where are they now" vault with Vanilla Ice and Hootie & The Blowfish after the dust settled.


I heard his latest song (the name escapes me) on the radio where he is dissin' Moby for being too old (36) and to retire, Eminem is 31....not far behind.


I also hear he is making a movie about his life story, That should be real intense....The most entertaining thing about him is his chaotic personal life, which includes his white trash lawsuit threatenin' mama, cheating ex-spouse, and assorted criminal charges (which no doubtly was dreamed up by his public relations guy to make him seem more hardcore).


Save your money kids, why bother buying this CD when you can download the whole thing for free on the internet.


Bottom Line: Although I have not listened to any tracks besides the partial song I heard on the radio I am sure if I bought it I would demand my money back